Fires in the Attic

Recently – really, for a long while now, I feel like I’ve lost the flow of things.

This past Saturday, I attended NYCAASC as a volunteer, since I had a blast the previous year. I had a blast this year as well, with familiar faces, and so many more unfamiliar ones. I mean: I had fun, I learned a lot and I met more great people. But NYCAASC means a lot more to me than an Asian American Conference.

To be honest, I’m extremely wary of ‘community’ events. Race centric? Exclusive? I’ve seen the “Angry Asian Man” fiasco far too many times, to be frank. NYCAASC was my first, and I have been spoiled by it. Hosted by NYU and Columbia’s respective Asian-American student organizations, we’re so liberal, we’d give Dick Cheney another 5 heart attacks. My points of view have been forced way open since last year. And let me tell you, having your fragile beliefs trampled on is so fucking gratifying. Pick up the pieces, and put them in their respectable places in a more open mind.

What if we had the ability to begin anew every year? To take our worn out sneakers, wipe off the dirt and grime and all the paint stains, place them back on our weathered heels, and march off in a slightly different direction: wouldn’t that be great? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m only human anyway, so all I can do is look back.

Have I achieved all that I’ve wanted in the last year?

I’m still not really sure. Can people really change their fundamental character and defy the fine threads that define who they are? I’ve pushed myself far beyond my comfort level, but will I sink back into one of the many past me’s? Or can I manage to discover the me that I fight to become? Who knows, right? What matters now is the present, really.

But at the present, it feels like my flow has stopped. I’ve been riding the current for a while, but now it seems like I’ve hit mud and rocks. Have I just been reading too much Murakami? (Has the well run dry; my cat gone missing?) I suppose I’ve never been so lost before, so torn between the past and present that the way forward is a void.

I realize I’m running circles right now, but really, that’s how it feels. Excuse the shitty narrative. I’m just feeling a bit more insane than usual. I do have to say that I’m glad my emotions are as familiar as ever. I don’t know what’d I’d do if I lost that.